Jesus > than my addiction to sin

This addiction, it hurts me, killing me slowly.

I hate it! Yet I run back to it because I think that it holds me.

It grips me tightly never letting me go; 

Would I have ever started had I known what I now know?!?!

I fight back screaming, kicking, clawing!

Hoping that I'll wake up and find it's just a dream.

But, no, it's not. It's reality, it's as real as ever;

Waiting for my weakest moment to leap and devour. 

I can't beat this thing, it's stronger then I will ever be!

It's smuggling, blinding, choking me-I no longer can see!

My heart is heavy, full of grief, disgust and shame. 

I can't even look at myself, cause when I do I hate what I see and am in so much pain.

I lay down defeated, tired and weary; 

To find when I look up, I'm met with it's gaze of wrath and fury.

I wince, breathing deeply, waiting for the blows to come

Wishing that somehow, somehow this could all be undone!

Then I see Him.. Perfect, Righteous, Holy, Good, the King of Kings.
Standing there, gazing at me.
I can't bear to look at Him. I turn away, ready to flee; 
When He grasps my hand and says, "Child, you are Mine, come to Me." 

Taking my face in His Hands, He wipes my tears and holds me.

Shame, guilt, condemnation, embarrassment, disappointment
is what I am feeling. How can he call me His? I think.
I look into His eyes and I'm not met with anger, condemnation or disgust. 
Instead all I see is love, grace, mercy and a bit of sadness...

Ashamed I turn my face away, wanting to melt into the floor.
"Jesus, don't look at me," I cry, "I'm not worth it! I'm not good enough anymore!
I mess up! I hurt you! I fall into the things of this world again and again!
Why on earth do you want me, why do you call me Your friend?
When everyday on earth I spit on You, I mock You, I shove Your sacrifice in Your face! 
Why do you want me, Lord? Why do you even look my way?!?"

Jesus smiles and knowingly says, "Because I love you, Child, and you are Mine; 
I created you, My masterpiece, My princess. You are divine. 
I only make things of priceless value, precious significance and of much, much worth.
I knew you before time began, created and saw you before birth."

"I knew you would mess up and sin and run from Me; 
That is why I made a way for you to come back the day I died on the tree. 
My desire is a relationship with you, for you to know Your creator, 
Stop running from Me, Child, for I want you, you were created for something so much greater! 

"I came to earth a baby, yet the Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords, Savior of the world!
To save you from the Evil one, who to you just wants to kill, devour and destroy.
I lived a perfect, sinless life to be your sacrifice; 
Because the penalty for sin is death, that's all that is suffice. 

"When I died, I took your all your sin and carried it as My own, 
Paying your penalty, buying your freedom, for you on the cross I groaned. 
I paid a high price for you-My very own life-to save you from yourself; 
For without Me, Child, you are damned to death unable to save yourself.

     "So stop running from Me, stop fighting My love, stop refusing to receive my Grace,
Stop thinking you can earn it, deserve it or work for it, for that is just not the case.
I call that pride and arrogance, My Child, and it is not from Me, 
For if you deserved or could earn My Grace, than pointless was Calvary.

"Don't you see it? Do you not understand? This is the point:
My Kingdom is upside down to the world, the prideful it will disappoint;
 Because I do not look for the mighty and strong, those thinking they have it all figured out; 
But the weak, hurting and broken, those who know with me Me that can't live without.

"For only those who are humble and know their need are able to receive this token;
Because the only way to receive it, is if you admit you are broken.
The token I speak of is My GRACE, the only thing that will save you from your sin;
But in order to receive it, you have to lay down your pride and let Me come in.

"So run to Me Child, run to your Savior, into My arms of Grace; 
Don't try to handle this yourself, for you will fall flat on your face.
For every time you struggle, disobey or fall into that old pattern of sin;
I am standing right there, waiting for you to ask Me to step in.

"Never think you've fallen too far, that I can't take you back;
For that is what the enemy wants you to believe to keep you off track!
So when you mess up, run to Me Child, and let Me wash you clean,
So that you no longer live a slave, but in My love and victory!

"Jesus is just waiting there, for you to take His hand"
(Photo creds go to the amazing Sarah Harken)

What I have learned & how to help those who are grieving/hurting this year...

Christmas Day 2015.

Beauty amidst great, great sorrow. 

A family trying to continue on and pick up the pieces. 

Fog. It like something weighs down heavily on the day.

I need to breath!

I don't want to celebrate! 

It is just another thing that makes it official that she is gone.

Gone... 

The word seems to echo with a loud thud and hit my heart like a load of bricks. 

Gone... 

It's like an annoying clanging that makes your ears ring. 

Gone...

She is not coming back.

Gone... 

This is life now as we know it. 

I know, this is definitely not a "feel good" poem, but this is reality for those who have lost someone they loved. 

To those who have lost a sister, brother, mother, father, grandparent, cousin, friend, child... I am so so sorry you have to go through this pain!! It's hard, isn't it? It's excruciating actually. Yeah, you know the heartache I write about, don't you? You understand the sleepless nights; the nightmares; the shock and confusion; the stabbing and relentless heartache and pain that never leaves you alone; going through the motions of your day, but really not having a clue what you're actually doing.. Yeah, you get it.. 

One of my favorite pictures of Grace.. That laugh
always made my day when I heard it..

I never got to say goodbye to my sister when she died this summer. One night she was there and the next day she was gone. I still can't remember if I got to even hug her before she left that night; it's like my brain won't let me remember.. I so badly want to! Grace was supposed to stand up in my wedding that summer.. she missed it by 10 days. 10 dark, sad days.. I miss her more than words can describe!! No one but Jesus knew me better than her. I still can't believe she is gone.. Every celebration, every Sunday at church, everything reminds me that she is gone. The pain and heartache is still so so fresh.. 

This was her bridesmaid dress...
She loved it! 

Sometimes I feel like screaming to the world, "Just let me be not ok!! Let me cry! Let me hurt! Let me grieve my sister-I have every right to!!" It really is alright and good actually, to let individuals not be ok if they aren't. You don't need to run from it. Truly. 

True beauty right here..

I have found that many people get uncomfortable and don't want us/me to cry or try to help find the silver lining. While that is all good and well, it is not what someone who is grieving needs. Especially right after the loss. Did you hear that? You can have the best intentions in the world! But trying to "fix" the problem by saying something or not wanting me/us (anyone who has lost someone) to cry.. yeah, it just doesn't work that way. It really hurts actually. Don't run from someone who is hurting and crying. Let them express their emotions; truly it is ok! Let them cry! Seriously, those who are grieving NEED to do it, so just cry and hurt with them! Crying is part of healing. It just is.

One of Grace's Senior pictures.
I love this one!!

So some individuals have told me they want to help, but don't know how because they have no clue what it's like to walk this journey. Here is some insight.. This is not an exhaustive list, but just a few thoughts, experiences and things I have learned so far.. 

Sometimes we want to be around people. Sometimes we don't. Most times, we just want to know we're not in this alone and that you care. Don't try to fix it, cause you know what? You can't. We have to hurt to heal. We have to cry, feel and let the pain out to grieve. We have to "not be ok" to be ok in the end. Most days we just go through the motions trying to live life, but we really are not all there; don't be offended if we mess something up, forget important dates or stuff that most people remember. Our brain and body is on overload and we just aren't all there.We are already beating ourselves up because we know we're messing stuff up. Please give us grace. Don't assume you know what we need. Everyone grieves differently and need different things. Keep reaching out, keep being there, continue to pray. One of the biggest things I would say is, love those who are hurting with action, not mere words. Why do I say this? Because anyone can talk. That's easy. But it takes work, effort, energy and time to love with action. And you know the saying. " No one cares how much you know, til they know how much you care." Yeah, well it is so true. Love isn't just a word, it is an action. When someone takes the time to hurt and suffer with me, that is when I truly feel loved. So forget all the advice-unless you have gone through something like this-and show your love and care through action. 

Me and Grace on my birthday.
She totally knocked my socks off with a surprise!

Some practical things you can do for those grieving/hurting...

-Get them some groceries

-Bring them a meal/share a meal

-Set up a time to do dishes, scrub floors, etc

-Just be [with them].. seriously, it shows you care.

(Refrain from trying to fix or "give advice)

-Help do chores one night 

-Pick up their kids from school

-Gift certificate for massage

-Listen. Don't just hear, zip your lips & just listen

-Remember the date their loved one passed & send them message, 

card, call on the date of death

-Even if they don't respond, keep reaching out. Again, sometimes we just 

don't have the energy to reach back. Doesn't mean we don't care, 

we're just struggling. Don't take it personally

-Do something, not nothing

These are just some of my thoughts. I'm not a counselor, I'm not a professional. I'm just a broken person, speaking from my heart. I don't know all the answers, but I do know who does. So I leave you with this thought.. If even Jesus weeps and mourns with us, should we not also mourn and weep with those who mourn and weep?

Grace & I at college this year..
Amazing adventure together! I wouldn't
trade it for anything!!

If you would like some more insight/information to help those you love who are grieving, here are a few articles that I have found helpful. 

What to not say to a Grieving Person

Helping someone who is grieving

Supporting someone who is grieving

Seven ways to help someone who is grieving

My beautiful, amazing sister Grace

My prayer is that we would truly learn what grace is and extend it to others freely each and every day.