The top 5 things I've learned this past year..

Guess what?! Yeah, you got it.. My best friend and I have been married for a year!! 

Pretty sweet, hey?! I sure think so!

I must say though, that it was nothing like the year that I thought it would have been at all! But that's ok.. life is like that sometimes.. 

you know that year when you are more on your face or your butt than you were on your feet?! Yeah, well that is kinda the type of year we had.. 

Along the way, though, I/we have learned some pretty valuable lessons about life; I have learned more about my amazing husband and more about myself; and I have learned that 

sometimes things aren't what they seem at all..even when the majority says it is... imagine that, hey?! And so so much more! Through it all, I can say that I wouldn't want to do this thing called "life" or "marriage" with anyone else, but you, Ridge!!

So.. if you're interested in reading some of the top things I have learned, read on...

"My husband and God's opinion are really the only opinions that matter.. everyone else's comes second to theirs "

I believe this is actually one of the most important Truths I have learned this year.  If you know me somewhat well at all, you probably know that I am a people pleaser, through and through, and it is something I daily have to work on. Throughout this year, there have been many times that individuals have wanted me to do something or be someone that I can't or am not. Ridge reminded me again and again that at the end of the day, I stand accountable to God and am covered by Christ and by my husband. If I am honouring and obeying God with how I am living and honouring and respecting my husband, than nothing anyone else thinks or says really matters. It just doesn't. This is one sweet Truth, I must say!

"Being a wife is so much more about being than doing"

I remember the day when I asked Ridge, "What can I do to be a better wife to you?" I was expecting this long "To Do" list of things I could do for him or help him with, etc. But to my surprise, it was anything but. His response, "Just be with me and learn me" .... 

"What?!" thinks my flabbergasted little brain, "That's it?!?" After I was able to recover from my shock.. haha kinda kidding, but yet not.. I realized how so many times I think I need to "do" all these things for Ridge to show him that I love him, when what he actually wants and needs is for me to just "be" with him, support him and learn more about who he is as a person, a man and my friend. Tell me I'm not the only wife that has struggled with this one?! :)  

Never say, "Everything must be bliss for you two" or "you are such newly weds"

If we were given a dollar for every time someone told us this, we would be rich! No joke. I'm sure no one ever means a phrase along these lines to be hurtful, but when it was said to us, it really was. Ridge and I were married 10 days after my sister, Grace, tragically died in a car/bike accident. The 2 weeks before the wedding looked NOTHING like we thought they would! Heck, I didn't even know if I was gonna get to wear a wedding dress or have to wear jeans and t-shirt. Our time, energy and focus of my entire family was on the funeral til just a few days before the wedding and even then, it was just trying to survive and get thru the day. It had to be that way with the circumstances, it just did. And then, just because you get married, doesn't mean the grief stops.. it doesn't. Imagine having to ditch every single expectation; throw out any and all the plans you had for before the wedding and after the wedding; you are no longer going on a honeymoon and your wife relapsed into health issues to the point where you can't even touch her arm some days cause of pain.. and this just touches the tip of the iceberg so to speak of what our marriage was at the beginning.. yet our life is bliss? No, it wasn't. It was really hard. Not complaining here, just being real. If you feel like you have /need to say something to a newly married couple how about saying, "I'm really happy for you two" or "Your wedding was beautiful". But for everyone's sake, ditch the "Everything is bliss" phrase. Bliss isn't real life and not everyone gets to experience the "newlywed stage" when they get married. You never know what circumstances a newly married couple is going through, so honestly, just be real and love them in a real way, don't just say things to say something.. 

We need to stop treating hurting people/indivuals like a project and stop giving "Jesus/everything is going to be better/happens for a reason" answers

Ok, I'm going to be really honest here.. and this might step on a few toes, but thats ok. You have the choice to read this or not to read this, thats totally up to you.. 

But honestly we have got to stop this! And I will come first up to bat and say that I am so guilty of this one and am first in line to receive this rebuke. That being said.. 

The number of times someone has come up without really listening to what is going on in life and given Ridge or I a "Jesus answer" or told us to just "trust in God".. again, I would be rich. Absolutely, those things are true, but why do we feel the need to give advice when we have never walked one step in that persons /families shoes?! Why do we think we know the "right" answer to their looming situation when we really haven't taken the time to really, truly listen to them?! And why do we think we always have to say something to be encouraging?! Could it be that we answer out of pride? Or we answer cause we don't want to be uncomfortable? Or we answer cause we just don't know what else to do?? But then, really, aren't we just making that individuals already painful situation/circumstances even more painful?! That is anything but loving and encouraging.. don't you think?

 Encouragement does not always equal saying something. Encouragement and compassion is entering into that persons situation; it is sitting in the rain and getting all wet with them. It is dancing in the sun because something great just happened and they need someone to celebrate that victory. It is not just sitting in the storm with them, but staying in that storm with them.. 

Honestly, we need to stop treating people like they are projects, that can be given a quick answer and its just suppose to be encouraging. If you look at Jesus' life, He entered into the messiness head on. He didn't shirk it cause it was uncomfortable, so why are we??

God's love for me is bigger, deeper, wider and greater than I will ever be able to fathom, comprehend, understand or dream!!

This is kinda two-fold in that through our marriage I have seen and experienced Ridge's love for me, a wonderful and amazing love, though imperfect as we are sinful; but nonetheless, something so beautiful and profound. I have also seen, experienced and realized in a bigger way, God's love for me, which is love and perfection at its best. Something that has never made sense to me is how much Ridge loves me.. which is a lot! And honestly, I don't understand why he loves me like he does. But then I stop and think, if a man can love me this much, how much more God?! God, the Creator of the universe, the Lord of Lord, Kings of Kings-He knows my name, has been pursuing a relationship with me since the beginning, loved me when I was against Him, and died a brutal death just so I could have the chance to have a relationship with Him for all of eternity. Really, stop and think about that.. how incredible, hey?!

So there you go, the top 5, among many things that I have learned this past year/during our first year of marriage. And I am so looking forward to the many more years I get to spend with this amazing guy!! :) 

He sees Jesus, not my sin

I come into His presence beaten down, battered, bloody, bruised. 

I have nothing left.. My strength is gone. 

Ashamed and downcast, I do not look Him in the face. 

How could anyone ever love me? How can He love me?

If only they knew all the things I have done.. 

Then suddenly I realize He knows.

Even when I hid my sin from everyone else..

Jesus. still. knew.

I start trembling, not daring to move.

Then in the silence that follows He begins to speak to me.

I'm surprised. His words are not of anger as I would expect, 

but of love, grace and sadness.

"My Child, why do you turn your face away?

Yes, you have hurt Me with your disobedience 

and have saddened Me by continuing in your sin.

It breaks My heart that you won't let me in to help you!

But Child, don't you know that I still love you?!

No matter what you ever do, I will always love you!

You can never earn my love, so stop trying to!

It's a gift.. just accept it."

Do I dare to look into His face?!

As I lift my head, 

my body begins to shake as my entire being weeps.

"Father..."

A whisper that is barely audible.. 

But He hears. 

"Father, I have nothing to give you!

All my strength is gone; 

I can barely stand, much less do work to further Your kingdom!

I hurt You again and again, over and over.. 

Yet, You say that You love me?!"

This time, when He speaks,

it feels like I am being pulled into an embrace.. 

And I will never be let go.

I feel safe, protected, loved.

"My Child, you can never earn My love!

So stop trying! It is a gift to you-just accept it.

You do not have to be strong and mighty; 

With your life all together for Me to love you. 

You do not have to give me anything, but yourself. 

Give Me your life and let Me work in you and change you.

Just surrender your entire life to Me."

Then I understand.. 
It was never about earning and deserving; 
But believing and accepting.
About humbling myself to receive His forgiveness;
Having the humility to let Him change me from the inside out.
Because once I'm His, God no longer sees my sin, 

He. sees. Jesus.

Who took my place and stands in my place of condemnation.
So no longer am I condemned...
but stand holy and forgiven. 

Jesus > than my addiction to sin

This addiction, it hurts me, killing me slowly.

I hate it! Yet I run back to it because I think that it holds me.

It grips me tightly never letting me go; 

Would I have ever started had I known what I now know?!?!

I fight back screaming, kicking, clawing!

Hoping that I'll wake up and find it's just a dream.

But, no, it's not. It's reality, it's as real as ever;

Waiting for my weakest moment to leap and devour. 

I can't beat this thing, it's stronger then I will ever be!

It's smuggling, blinding, choking me-I no longer can see!

My heart is heavy, full of grief, disgust and shame. 

I can't even look at myself, cause when I do I hate what I see and am in so much pain.

I lay down defeated, tired and weary; 

To find when I look up, I'm met with it's gaze of wrath and fury.

I wince, breathing deeply, waiting for the blows to come

Wishing that somehow, somehow this could all be undone!

Then I see Him.. Perfect, Righteous, Holy, Good, the King of Kings.
Standing there, gazing at me.
I can't bear to look at Him. I turn away, ready to flee; 
When He grasps my hand and says, "Child, you are Mine, come to Me." 

Taking my face in His Hands, He wipes my tears and holds me.

Shame, guilt, condemnation, embarrassment, disappointment
is what I am feeling. How can he call me His? I think.
I look into His eyes and I'm not met with anger, condemnation or disgust. 
Instead all I see is love, grace, mercy and a bit of sadness...

Ashamed I turn my face away, wanting to melt into the floor.
"Jesus, don't look at me," I cry, "I'm not worth it! I'm not good enough anymore!
I mess up! I hurt you! I fall into the things of this world again and again!
Why on earth do you want me, why do you call me Your friend?
When everyday on earth I spit on You, I mock You, I shove Your sacrifice in Your face! 
Why do you want me, Lord? Why do you even look my way?!?"

Jesus smiles and knowingly says, "Because I love you, Child, and you are Mine; 
I created you, My masterpiece, My princess. You are divine. 
I only make things of priceless value, precious significance and of much, much worth.
I knew you before time began, created and saw you before birth."

"I knew you would mess up and sin and run from Me; 
That is why I made a way for you to come back the day I died on the tree. 
My desire is a relationship with you, for you to know Your creator, 
Stop running from Me, Child, for I want you, you were created for something so much greater! 

"I came to earth a baby, yet the Prince of Peace, Lord of Lords, Savior of the world!
To save you from the Evil one, who to you just wants to kill, devour and destroy.
I lived a perfect, sinless life to be your sacrifice; 
Because the penalty for sin is death, that's all that is suffice. 

"When I died, I took your all your sin and carried it as My own, 
Paying your penalty, buying your freedom, for you on the cross I groaned. 
I paid a high price for you-My very own life-to save you from yourself; 
For without Me, Child, you are damned to death unable to save yourself.

     "So stop running from Me, stop fighting My love, stop refusing to receive my Grace,
Stop thinking you can earn it, deserve it or work for it, for that is just not the case.
I call that pride and arrogance, My Child, and it is not from Me, 
For if you deserved or could earn My Grace, than pointless was Calvary.

"Don't you see it? Do you not understand? This is the point:
My Kingdom is upside down to the world, the prideful it will disappoint;
 Because I do not look for the mighty and strong, those thinking they have it all figured out; 
But the weak, hurting and broken, those who know with me Me that can't live without.

"For only those who are humble and know their need are able to receive this token;
Because the only way to receive it, is if you admit you are broken.
The token I speak of is My GRACE, the only thing that will save you from your sin;
But in order to receive it, you have to lay down your pride and let Me come in.

"So run to Me Child, run to your Savior, into My arms of Grace; 
Don't try to handle this yourself, for you will fall flat on your face.
For every time you struggle, disobey or fall into that old pattern of sin;
I am standing right there, waiting for you to ask Me to step in.

"Never think you've fallen too far, that I can't take you back;
For that is what the enemy wants you to believe to keep you off track!
So when you mess up, run to Me Child, and let Me wash you clean,
So that you no longer live a slave, but in My love and victory!

"Jesus is just waiting there, for you to take His hand"
(Photo creds go to the amazing Sarah Harken)

What I have learned & how to help those who are grieving/hurting this year...

Christmas Day 2015.

Beauty amidst great, great sorrow. 

A family trying to continue on and pick up the pieces. 

Fog. It like something weighs down heavily on the day.

I need to breath!

I don't want to celebrate! 

It is just another thing that makes it official that she is gone.

Gone... 

The word seems to echo with a loud thud and hit my heart like a load of bricks. 

Gone... 

It's like an annoying clanging that makes your ears ring. 

Gone...

She is not coming back.

Gone... 

This is life now as we know it. 

I know, this is definitely not a "feel good" poem, but this is reality for those who have lost someone they loved. 

To those who have lost a sister, brother, mother, father, grandparent, cousin, friend, child... I am so so sorry you have to go through this pain!! It's hard, isn't it? It's excruciating actually. Yeah, you know the heartache I write about, don't you? You understand the sleepless nights; the nightmares; the shock and confusion; the stabbing and relentless heartache and pain that never leaves you alone; going through the motions of your day, but really not having a clue what you're actually doing.. Yeah, you get it.. 

One of my favorite pictures of Grace.. That laugh
always made my day when I heard it..

I never got to say goodbye to my sister when she died this summer. One night she was there and the next day she was gone. I still can't remember if I got to even hug her before she left that night; it's like my brain won't let me remember.. I so badly want to! Grace was supposed to stand up in my wedding that summer.. she missed it by 10 days. 10 dark, sad days.. I miss her more than words can describe!! No one but Jesus knew me better than her. I still can't believe she is gone.. Every celebration, every Sunday at church, everything reminds me that she is gone. The pain and heartache is still so so fresh.. 

This was her bridesmaid dress...
She loved it! 

Sometimes I feel like screaming to the world, "Just let me be not ok!! Let me cry! Let me hurt! Let me grieve my sister-I have every right to!!" It really is alright and good actually, to let individuals not be ok if they aren't. You don't need to run from it. Truly. 

True beauty right here..

I have found that many people get uncomfortable and don't want us/me to cry or try to help find the silver lining. While that is all good and well, it is not what someone who is grieving needs. Especially right after the loss. Did you hear that? You can have the best intentions in the world! But trying to "fix" the problem by saying something or not wanting me/us (anyone who has lost someone) to cry.. yeah, it just doesn't work that way. It really hurts actually. Don't run from someone who is hurting and crying. Let them express their emotions; truly it is ok! Let them cry! Seriously, those who are grieving NEED to do it, so just cry and hurt with them! Crying is part of healing. It just is.

One of Grace's Senior pictures.
I love this one!!

So some individuals have told me they want to help, but don't know how because they have no clue what it's like to walk this journey. Here is some insight.. This is not an exhaustive list, but just a few thoughts, experiences and things I have learned so far.. 

Sometimes we want to be around people. Sometimes we don't. Most times, we just want to know we're not in this alone and that you care. Don't try to fix it, cause you know what? You can't. We have to hurt to heal. We have to cry, feel and let the pain out to grieve. We have to "not be ok" to be ok in the end. Most days we just go through the motions trying to live life, but we really are not all there; don't be offended if we mess something up, forget important dates or stuff that most people remember. Our brain and body is on overload and we just aren't all there.We are already beating ourselves up because we know we're messing stuff up. Please give us grace. Don't assume you know what we need. Everyone grieves differently and need different things. Keep reaching out, keep being there, continue to pray. One of the biggest things I would say is, love those who are hurting with action, not mere words. Why do I say this? Because anyone can talk. That's easy. But it takes work, effort, energy and time to love with action. And you know the saying. " No one cares how much you know, til they know how much you care." Yeah, well it is so true. Love isn't just a word, it is an action. When someone takes the time to hurt and suffer with me, that is when I truly feel loved. So forget all the advice-unless you have gone through something like this-and show your love and care through action. 

Me and Grace on my birthday.
She totally knocked my socks off with a surprise!

Some practical things you can do for those grieving/hurting...

-Get them some groceries

-Bring them a meal/share a meal

-Set up a time to do dishes, scrub floors, etc

-Just be [with them].. seriously, it shows you care.

(Refrain from trying to fix or "give advice)

-Help do chores one night 

-Pick up their kids from school

-Gift certificate for massage

-Listen. Don't just hear, zip your lips & just listen

-Remember the date their loved one passed & send them message, 

card, call on the date of death

-Even if they don't respond, keep reaching out. Again, sometimes we just 

don't have the energy to reach back. Doesn't mean we don't care, 

we're just struggling. Don't take it personally

-Do something, not nothing

These are just some of my thoughts. I'm not a counselor, I'm not a professional. I'm just a broken person, speaking from my heart. I don't know all the answers, but I do know who does. So I leave you with this thought.. If even Jesus weeps and mourns with us, should we not also mourn and weep with those who mourn and weep?

Grace & I at college this year..
Amazing adventure together! I wouldn't
trade it for anything!!

If you would like some more insight/information to help those you love who are grieving, here are a few articles that I have found helpful. 

What to not say to a Grieving Person

Helping someone who is grieving

Supporting someone who is grieving

Seven ways to help someone who is grieving

My beautiful, amazing sister Grace

My prayer is that we would truly learn what grace is and extend it to others freely each and every day.